Friday Notes - At Peace

3:30pm First, a heads up that this is likely my most emotional journal entry since the final 2008 "A Night to Dance" post, as I felt a magical kind of release as I finished writing this, which will hopefully become self-evident by the time you reach the end of the post.

Well, I think I'm finally at peace with my recent results, as when I look back at May and June, I was very often a "part-time" trader out of both choice and circumstance (at least compared to 2008), and part-time trading = part-time results ... especially when trying to improperly over-compensate. For the records will show that at times I had very solid trading results ... offset by some simply attrocious sequences that don't belong within 100 miles of me.

I also feel I'm finally at peace with taking the concept of the continuing "race" and "Back-to-Back" $1M goal down a few notches -- at least psychologically -- for as Mark so aptly put it in yesterday's comments, "you sound a little burned out to me", which has probably been true since last fall, yet only finally showed in results in the 17th and 18th month of my self-resurrected journey as I began trading like a little league rookie by showing up late for games, and then swinging at too many pitches outside the strike zone. Perhaps I was a bit premature in eliminating the daily scorecard!

So today it was back to tight, solid, conservative play on a very light volume market day where I ended the week calmly on a positive note taking some nuggets out of the classic oscillation morning after a trend day, although I kept sizes smaller than normal so as simply to establish some rhythm.

I also know this. I can't approach this business or trade any worse than I've done in May or June. And somehow, I'm still standing with slightly more capital than I had at the end of April, and now it looks like even June might pay for a ham sandwich. Frankly, it's a minor miracle and I guess it says something about some sort of inner circuit breaker that's kept me from slipping beyond reach. And just think what it will look like with my head screwed on straight.

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And so here we are, almost a full year since this journal was made open to the public, and 18 months since this 48-year old got the crazy idea to give this industry a very public run for the record books -- ironically timed in part with the most violent market in history -- until life got in the way this year.

Please understand that despite my highly visible industry profile, my pursuit was never intended to prove anything to anyone ... except to myself. And I've done just that. I know with 100% certainty what I can take out of the markets, and what it takes to do it. The only question is how much time and effort do I want to devote to it, because the effort and reward will always be permanently linked. 2008 and 2009 to date have taught us that in spades.

Which brings me to a special note to onlookers considering pursuing this business:

Yes, Virginia, you can make money trading ... big money ... and in any market. Don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. Yet here's the qualifier: It comes with pain, sacrifice, and dedication as fully chronicled over the past year in this public sharing of a private diary for all to see. Sacrifice that most won't or can't make, or as this year has proven to me, simply isn't sustainable on a 24x7x52 manner for an infinite period of time without time for rest and renewal (which I suck at). btw, please keep in mind that like many of you, I also have a family and another non-market business that require attention ... so it's been one helluva balancing act.

I can't express the above words strongly enough. The failure rate of prospective traders -- and even some experienced traders -- is incredibly high. Then again, the failure rate of all business start-ups is high.

It's simply my hope of hopes that anyone considering pursuing this business will stumble across these virtual pages of the last twelve months, and if it helps just one person truly understand "what it takes", it will have been worth every ounce of energy poured into it.

Yet it can be done, and I can give you over 2 Million pieces of evidence.

Events of the last few days, with the passing of Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, and Michael Jackson have been a wake-up call for many of us, reminding us in a very public way that life is precious and can be taken away at any time. And the last thing I want on my tombstone, is "He was one helluva trader ... dead at 48 with a bad back and a full position still on".

And so it's another time for reflection, renewal, and life rebalancing similar to the the end of last year. More on that later.

In the meantime, I'd like to personally thank all who have commented and supported me -- and one another -- in this virtual trading place over the last twelve months. For in less than one short year, it's become clear that there's a place for this sort of thing. A place without hype, ego, advertising, selling, bad-mouthing, etc. A place where we can share inner feelings in this close-knit, little-known-in-the-outside-world profession without recourse. A place where old relationships were renewed and new ones begun.

I'm hungry.

Let's party.

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